Notes for New Therapists is a regular series published on Sundays.

You can see what needs to change

Your client keeps agreeing to things they do not want to do. They arrive exhausted, resentful, and disappointed in themselves. Together, you have explored what happens. They can recognize the pattern.

But this week, they have done it again.

You feel an impulse to explain more clearly, rehearse the boundary again, or point out the cost of continuing this way.

You want something better for them. It is painful to watch someone keep getting hurt.

But before you move forward, a question deserves your attention:

Whose urgency is setting the pace?

Your urgency has an iceberg

The Satir model invites attention beneath behavior to feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings, and the person’s experience of self.

Your behavior might be offering another strategy. Beneath it, you may feel worried or frustrated. You may believe that insight should already have produced change. You may expect yourself to prevent further suffering.

Perhaps you are also afraid the client will conclude that therapy is not helping—or that you are not helping.

Your wish to be useful matters. So does your capacity to recognize when that wish becomes pressure.

You do not have to criticize yourself for feeling urgent. You can become curious about what the urgency means to you.

The coping makes sense somewhere

Satir’s growth model invites respect for the person and curiosity about how their coping--Coping Stances, in Satir parlance, or survival functioning in regular speech--developed.

Agreeing may have helped this client preserve connection, reduce conflict, or navigate relationships in which disagreement carried consequences. The behavior can be costly now and still have an understandable history.

If you respond only to its present cost, you may overlook what the client experiences as necessary about it.

“What happens inside when you imagine saying no?”

Perhaps their stomach tightens. Perhaps they picture someone’s anger. Perhaps saying no means, to them, becoming selfish or risking abandonment.

Now there is something to explore beyond whether they remembered the boundary script.

Understanding the coping does not require endorsing its consequences. It gives you a better chance of meeting the person who is doing it.

Your expectation can join the problem

Suppose the client already believes they must keep other people happy.

Now they know you want them to set a boundary.

They may agree enthusiastically in session, then return ashamed that they disappointed you. They may begin reporting the progress they think you want to hear.

The old pattern has found another relationship in which to operate.

This is one reason the therapist’s use of self matters so much in Satir work. Your expectations, tone, and responses participate in the interaction. Good intentions do not place you outside the system.

Can the client tell you that your suggestion does not fit? That they are not ready? That something about your enthusiasm feels like another demand?

What happens inside you when they do?

Come back to congruence

Congruence asks you to really make room for yourself, the other person, and the context.

You can acknowledge your concern without making the client responsible for relieving it. You can respect their pace while remaining honest about the consequences you are noticing.

Perhaps you say:

“I’m concerned about how exhausted you are. I also wonder whether I’ve been moving toward solutions before fully understanding what happens for you.”

Then listen.

That is an invitation to discover what you may have missed. Your concern remains part of the conversation, alongside the client’s experience.

Slowing down can still have direction

Respecting pace does not mean waiting indefinitely or assuming that every delay is helpful.

You can revisit goals, ask how the client experiences the work, and consider whether your approach is helping. Immediate danger or other time-sensitive circumstances may require prompt action.

But when there is room to explore, a smaller experiential shift may matter: noticing the impulse to agree, recognizing fear without condemning it, or expressing a different preference to you.

Satir’s emphasis on greater self-worth, choice, responsibility, and congruence offers direction beyond compliance with a particular task.

The question becomes: What is changing in the client’s relationship with themselves and their possibilities?

This is something you can learn

Recognizing your urgency while remaining engaged is a capacity you can develop. The Satir model offers ways to explore your own internal process alongside the client’s, and to notice how each enters the relationship.

Would you be interested in learning how the Satir model can help you deepen therapeutic engagement, develop your use of self, and respond with greater congruence? Leave a comment below if you’d like to be part of an upcoming training.

Your hope for the client is valuable. So is your willingness to discover what their next step actually requires.

About the Author

Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy.

This article is intended to support professional reflection and learning. It does not constitute clinical supervision, formal training, or individualized professional guidance. Clinicians remain responsible for practicing within their competence, scope of practice, and applicable professional and licensing requirements.

This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.

This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.

These blog posts are drafted with the support of ChatGPT. All posts are reviewed and edited by the author for accuracy, and consistency with the values of the author and this practice.

References and Further Reading

Lindyberg, A. (2019). Satir Coping Stances [Video]. YouTube. https://bit.ly/CopingStances

Satir, V., Banmen, J., Gerber, J., & Gomori, M. The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Science and Behavior Books.
https://bit.ly/SatirModel1stEd

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