After the Argument is a three-part series about what happens when a conflict seems to be over, but something between you still does not feel resolved.
Part 1
The conversation is finished.
You figured out what went wrong. Perhaps someone apologized. Perhaps you agreed about what to do differently next time.
There is nothing left to argue about.
And you are still upset.
This can be confusing, particularly if the other person seems fine.
You may wonder whether you are holding a grudge. Making too much of something. Refusing to let it go.
Perhaps.
But there is another possibility.
You resolved the argument. You may not yet have resolved everything that happened inside you while you were having it.
Virginia Satir used the image of an iceberg to describe human experience.
What other people can see—our words and behavior—is the tip of the iceberg, only a small part of what is happening.
Underneath are feelings, feelings about those feelings, perceptions, expectations, yearnings, and our experience of ourselves. Also, our physical experience, and activities that are clamoring for our attention–what I call "excitements."
An argument can be resolved at the visible level.
Who was supposed to pick up the groceries?
What did you mean by that text?
How much can you afford to spend?
Fine. You understand each other now.
But perhaps somewhere underneath, something else happened.
I thought I could count on you.
I felt stupid.
I was afraid you didn't care.
I hated how needy I felt.
For a moment, I wondered whether I mattered to you at all.
Solving the original problem does not automatically reach those places.
Suppose you became angry during the argument.
Underneath the anger, perhaps you were frightened.
Then you felt ashamed of being frightened.
Or perhaps you were hurt, became angry about being hurt, and then disliked yourself for becoming angry.
Human emotional experience is rarely limited to one clean feeling at a time.
Satir paid particular attention not only to feelings, but to feelings about feelings.
You can be sad and ashamed that you are sad.
Angry and frightened by your anger.
Jealous and disgusted with yourself for feeling jealous.
The practical disagreement may have ended while this much more complicated internal conversation is still going on.
There is also a simpler possibility.
Your body does not necessarily receive the news that the argument is over at exactly the same moment your mind does.
Research on romantic partners has found that physiological stress responses can continue into the period after a conflict discussion has ended, with people differing in how quickly their cortisol levels recover.
Your heart may still be beating faster. Your muscles may still be tense. You may feel restless, shaky, exhausted, or strangely alert.
Suddenly making a cocktail or popping a gummy seems so exciting.
That does not necessarily mean the relationship is in danger or that the conflict remains unresolved.
It may mean you have been through something stressful.
Give yourself a little time before demanding an emotional verdict.
Instead of asking, “Why can't I let this go?” you might try a different question:
What is still here?
Not what should be here.
What is actually here?
Perhaps there is still anger.
Perhaps hurt.
Perhaps embarrassment.
Perhaps you understand perfectly well why the other person did what they did, and some part of you is still disappointed that they did it.
Understanding someone does not require your feelings to disappear.
You may also discover that what remains has surprisingly little to do with the subject of the argument.
If you trust the other person enough, you may be able to tell them what you find.
Not to restart the argument.
Not to prove that you were right after all.
But to let them know what happened below the surface.
“The part we're arguing about actually feels settled. I think I'm still hurt by how alone I felt when we were talking.”
That is a different conversation.
And sometimes it is the conversation you needed all along.
A problem can be solved without the people involved feeling reconnected.
You can agree about what happened and still feel tender.
You can accept an apology and still need time.
You can understand each other's intentions and still have something to repair.
None of that necessarily means the resolution failed.
It may simply mean there was more happening than the argument itself.
The visible problem was only the tip of the iceberg.
Part 1: Why Am I Still Upset After We’ve Resolved the Argument?
Part 2: Why Doesn’t an Apology Always Make Me Feel Better? Coming soon.
Part 3: How Do You Repair a Relationship When Both Are Hurt? Stay tuned.
Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy.
This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.
This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.
These blog posts are drafted with the support of ChatGPT. All posts are reviewed and edited by the author for accuracy, and consistency with the values of the author and this practice.
Banmen, J., Gerber, J., & Gomori, M. The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Science and Behavior Books. https://bit.ly/SatirModel1stEd
Gunlicks-Stoessel, M. L., & Powers, S. I. “Romantic Partners’ Coping Strategies and Patterns of Cortisol Reactivity and Recovery in Response to Relationship Conflict.” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 2009. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3342694/
Midwest Center for Transformational Change PLC