After the Argument is a three-part series about what happens when a conflict seems to be over, but something between you still does not feel resolved.

Part 3

So what does repair actually look like?

Perhaps the argument is over.

You understand what happened. You have apologized for the things you regret. The other person has apologized too.

And things still feel a little strange.

You can probably manufacture normal if necessary.

Do you want coffee?

What time are we leaving?

Did you feed the dog?

But somewhere between the two of you, the connection has not quite returned.

How do you get it back?

Repair is something that happens between you

Research on how couples recover after conflict suggests that what happens after the disagreement matters. In one observational study, people whose partners recovered better following a conflict reported more positive relationship emotions and greater relationship satisfaction.

That does not give you a formula for repair.

It does suggest that resolving the subject of the argument is not the only thing happening.

Two people also have to find their way back into relationship with each other.

Sometimes that happens quickly.

Sometimes it does not.

Try to understand the hurt you actually caused

Suppose you forgot something important to your partner.

You may think the injury is:

I forgot.

But perhaps their experience was:

I didn't matter enough for you to remember.

Those are not quite the same thing.

Research on feeling understood, validated, and cared for by a partner has repeatedly connected this experience of responsiveness with closeness and relationship quality.

So before trying to make the hurt disappear, try to understand it.

“What happened for you when I did that?”

“What did it mean to you?”

“What are you still carrying from it?”

You do not have to agree with every interpretation in order to understand the experience.

Understanding is not a confession.

You may need to go underneath

Virginia Satir's Iceberg can be particularly useful here.

Perhaps you are talking about what each of you did, while what needs attention is somewhere underneath.

One of you felt dismissed.

The other felt controlled.

One expected support and experienced criticism instead.

One wanted reassurance and became furious when they did not get it.

One is ashamed of what they said.

The other is frightened that they meant it.

You do not need to use the Iceberg to determine why either of you behaved as you did.

You can use it to become more interested in what each of you experienced.

That is a different task.

Repair may require two realities

This can be difficult:

You may both have a point.

Perhaps your partner said something cruel.

Perhaps you had also been dismissing them for twenty minutes.

Perhaps you frightened them when you raised your voice.

Perhaps you were frightened too.

Repair becomes difficult when either person believes that acknowledging the other's experience will erase their own.

It does not have to.

I understand why that hurt you.

and

I was hurt too.

can both be true.

You may eventually need to talk about both.

You do not necessarily need to talk about both at exactly the same moment.

Do something different

Repair is not only a conversation.

If you discovered during the argument that your partner needs you to stop joking about something vulnerable, stop making that joke.

If you agreed that you will send a text when you are running late, send the text.

If you learned that one of you needs twenty minutes to calm down before continuing a difficult conversation, try taking the twenty minutes next time.

This is where repair becomes visible.

Not because anyone is keeping score.

Because new experiences gradually become part of the relationship too.

Do not demand the old relationship back

Sometimes people want repair to mean:

Now can everything please be exactly as it was?

Perhaps.

But relationships change when things happen inside them.

Sometimes the change is small. Sometimes the hurt reveals something that genuinely needs attention. Sometimes repairing it creates a relationship that is more honest than the one that existed before the argument.

And sometimes a hurt changes what someone is willing to trust.

Repair cannot require another person to return to an earlier version of the relationship on demand.

It can only create conditions in which connection may become possible again.

Find each other again

Eventually there may be a small moment.

A joke lands.

Someone reaches for the other's hand.

You make dinner.

You realize you have been talking for twenty minutes about something completely ordinary.

Nothing dramatic announces:

Repair complete.

You are simply together again.

Perhaps that is part of what repair is.

Not erasing what happened.

Not deciding that nobody should have been hurt.

Understanding more of what happened between you, taking responsibility for what is yours, allowing the other person's experience to exist alongside your own, and creating some new experiences together.

The argument becomes part of the history of the relationship.

It does not have to become the whole story.

After the Argument

Part 1: Why Am I Still Upset After We’ve Resolved the Argument?
Part 2: Why Doesn’t an Apology Always Make Me Feel Better?
Part 3: How Do You Repair a Relationship After Hurting Each Other?

About the Author

Anne Lindyberg, LMHC (Iowa), LCPC (Illinois), integrates the experiential therapy of Virginia Satir with Deep Brain Reorienting (DBR) and the Alexander Technique. She specializes in helping adults with complex and developmental trauma create lasting emotional change through therapy.

This article and other informational content on this website are provided for educational purposes only. They are not a substitute for individualized professional care, do not constitute advice specific to your circumstances, and do not establish a therapist-client relationship.

This work is created on the traditional and unceded lands of Indigenous peoples; a fuller acknowledgment of the land, its history, and its peoples is available on this website.

These blog posts are drafted with the support of ChatGPT. All posts are reviewed and edited by the author for accuracy, and consistency with the values of the author and this practice.

References

Banmen, J., Gerber, J., & Gomori, M. The Satir Model: Family Therapy and Beyond. Science and Behavior Books. https://bit.ly/SatirModel1stEd

Canevello, A., & Crocker, J. (2010). “Creating Good Relationships: Responsiveness, Relationship Quality, and Interpersonal Goals.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99(1), 78–106. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2891543/

Salvatore, J. E., Kuo, S. I-C., Steele, R. D., Simpson, J. A., & Collins, W. A. (2011). “Recovering From Conflict in Romantic Relationships: A Developmental Perspective.” Psychological Science, 22(3), 376–383. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3060296/

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